I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
