so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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