What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
