i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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