i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
