Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
