I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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