Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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