I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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