You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
