As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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