if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
