I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
