I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
