I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
