I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
