I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
