I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
