allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
