SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
