Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize