just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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