We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
