Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
