I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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