I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
