I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
