before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
