Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Sober January is a disaster.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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