My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
