guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
