this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
