i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
