Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
