halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize