Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
