So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
