oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
