i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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