she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You dont lie about slip and slides
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
