Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
