Just fell off a train. Bad.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
