cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
