If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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