you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
