I wish I could teleport
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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