well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
