Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
