Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
