Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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