For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
