Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
