He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
