sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize