duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
