I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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