My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
